Today I have been sober for two years. I am grateful and humbled to have escaped the grips of addiction relatively unscathed. I really did make it out in the nick of time. I shudder to think where I would find myself today if I had not had another chance at a new life, another shot at sanity, another roll of the conscious dice. Two years ago the situation was dire and hardly anyone knew. I guess I kept it quiet as I had been in recovery for 11 years and I was not supposed to be drinking. My close friends and family were worried but they didn’t really know how bad things were getting.
It was a few months prior, when for the first time, I had reached for the bottle of Vodka at 7am. This had never happened before. I was gripped with a fear that I had never known and was compelled to quell the soul rattling anxiety that woke me from my sleep. As my eyes burst open with adrenaline and I gasped for air. It dawned on me that I was in a kind of trouble that I had not been in before. Thirteen years prior, I had been in ICU as a result of a drug overdose but this seemed so much more intense. I felt so unbelievably powerless. I guess I also had much more to lose this time round. I had fought hard to gain a relatively normal life. After a series of traumatic events (being arrested for drunk driving being one of them) I started to realize that I was reaching the end of my allocated cosmic favor and that things were about to come undone. I had to do something.
A Shaman from Brazil, Yawa Bane, was coming out to Cape Town. I took the opportunity and booked for the weekend Ayahuasca retreat. I needed help. It was either rehab or Mama Aya, so I chose the medicine. I struggled to prepare for the ceremony. I ate really badly and of course I still drank every day right up to the ceremony. I just could not control it.
She (Mother Ayahuasca) welcomed me with open arms. She was so kind and gentle, showing me the exact nature of my dis-ease. She took me to the root of it, explained it and gave me the opportunity to let it go through tears of remorse and much purging. Over the course of the weekend, which involved two Ayahuasca ceremonies, and Kambo (frog medicine) between the two, I was cleaned out physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. With the broom of awareness she helped me to sweep my whole mind, my whole consciousness. We went back to forgotten times, incidents that were buried in fear, shame and grief. We threw open the shutters and let the light in so that we could look and really see. It was time for the clearing. In a soft but strong and encouraging voice she said “You’re not built for crawling, my beloved, you are built for flight. Now get up” She pointed to the big blue sky of hope “Get up!”
In the early morning, after a harrowing night of facing all of the things that had held me prisoner. The cell gate stood open. The warden had abandoned his post. I was free to leave. I sat up and with my Eagle feather, brushed the remaining residue of fatigue and damage from my etheric body into the fire that had been burning at the centre of the room all night. I felt so incredibly vulnerable. So soft, so exposed. I felt like new soft pink feet that had touched the earth for the very first time. I stood on the fresh fragrant lawn of my life, with my new feet, ready to make the first imprints on a new path. I allowed the enveloping gratitude with complete abandon. There I stood, humbled and ready to serve.
Then the songs came. Some of them came complete, like downloads. I had to keep up. I kept my phone with me at all times to make voice notes, because the songs would just arrive out of nowhere and I was worried that I’d miss them. I did miss one or two but thankfully, I managed to get most of them down. This is where most of my music comes from. With a clean mind, I found such profound connection to nature, to myself and others.
The work now continues. I am determined that we be victorious. I am resolved to stand free, to really embody victory and freedom as a human being. This is why I sing.
I give thanks to the One, the One life, the One love, the Great Spirit that guides and protect us.
Yours in Music
Crallan Ray Vega